Your married friends will not be chill im just saying #fyp #foryou #foryoupage #marriage #marriedcouples #marriedfriends

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and the other day I was talking to some girls in their mid-twenties and they were like, I love that, that's so cool. I can't wait to be settled down. I just want to be chill and married and have chill married friends. I'm tired of the wild bar scene. And I was like, hold on. I have no idea where you got the idea that any of this was going to be chill. But your married friends are going to be 10 times more depraved than your single friends ever were. I can promise you that right now. Like once you hit age 36, it's just a steady slope of all of your friends entering into open marriages one at a time. And they'll act like it's a big secret, but they also can't resist telling you about it. Like Kyle and Stephanie will invite us over for a bonfire and after three gluten-free beers, Kyle's pulling me aside telling me that the new spark in his marriage is they've been fantasizing about me. And he'll be like, do you want to see the text we've been sending about you? And I'll be like, no, Kyle, you sick fuck. Like, yeah, show it to me real quick. And then we can't be friends anymore. You know, not because they want me, but because their writing style was trite at best. You know, no flair, no pizzazz, no punctuation. They didn't even set the scene. And frankly, I expected much higher quality work from those two. And my husband's across the yard, you know, poking a bonfire with a stick. He didn't hear a word that was said, but if he had, would he have cared? No. The light left his eyes somewhere between the second and third kid. And who can afford to be jealous in this economy anyway? The other day, a 90-year-old man sat at the bar at my work and asked me if I wanted to be his companion in exchange for compensation. And I was like, no, thank you. And I came home and told my husband about it. And my husband was super pissed. And I was like, I know. Like, the Alzheimer's made him forget everything but his audacity, right? And my husband was like, no, I'm pissed you said no. The house needs a new roof, Kate.