I will drink a drink before I’ve paid for it. Come see me live! Salt Lake City, Utah - Jan 30/Feb 1 - 6th show just added. Phoenix, AZ - Feb 6-7! #peteholmes #comedy #standup #midwestmoment #groceryshopping #saltlakecity

I went to a supermarket, I got a coconut water. I opened it in the store. I've never done cocaine, but I will drink a drink before I've paid for it. You hear that safety seal break. You're like, ooh, it's a rush. You know what I mean? Then you walk around drinking it proud. You can't hide it. You have to be like a sheriff. Like, yeah, just kind of checking it out. Walk around like you work there. Like, hey Kyle, can we get more sun chips on seven? You know, like that. And I walked around so long, I finished the coconut water. I drank the whole one. It was one of those cardboard bottles. This is what put me in a good mood. I got up to the register. It was this Midwest beauty queen. She was in her fifties or sixties. I put down the bottle. I said, hi, I'd like to buy this coconut water, but I finished it. This is what put me in a good mood for six months. She went, you devil. That's all it takes. Joy is so easy. A Midwestern woman called me the devil for hydrating on my own timetable.